As you may be aware, ESPN recently released their NFL Power Rankings for the month of May. We here at SoD thought it was about time we added our two cents. However we all quickly realized that regurgitating rankings on the teams would be pretty boring (particularly in May) so we reverted to what makes us all great – ranking complete strangers based solely on their looks. With that, enjoy SoD’s inaugural ESPN NFL Writer Power Rankings (based on looks).
The rankings were determined by a panel of : Louie Renown, Career Sgt. Zim, and Scott Howard.
1. James Walker – Might be one of the only guys on this list that has seen a naked woman without involving a credit card or dollar bills.
(CSZ)
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2. Matt Mosley – Looks like the default face from the “build your own ESPN personality” feature from ESPN’s up-coming video game ESPN’s SportsCenter – We Are So Now!
(CSZ)
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3. Jeffri Chadiha - We’d rank him lower but there is a 100% chance that he’s the only guy on this list who could murder me with little to no effort.
(SH)
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4. Matt Williamson - Immediate thoughts are that he doesn’t really look like anything – a man without a face if you will. Yet we’re ranking him 4th. How well does that speak to the quality of this list?
(SH)
5. Tim Graham – The forehead to face ratio is just way off here. Combine that with the short hair and the ears that would make Will Smith blush and you have something the experts might refer to as looking “a little downsy.”
(CSZ)
6. Paul Kuharsky – If someone were to tell me that Paul Kuharsky had committed a string of 28 murders across the Pacific Northwest throughout the 90′s, I wouldn’t bat an eye.
(SH)
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7. Mike Sando – He’s about one chromosome away from Rocky Dennis disease. At least if his writing career falls through he can sell ad space on his forehead.
(LR + SH)
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8. Kevin Seifert – Hidden fact about Seifert: he was an extra from Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love. Also appears as if he would have an intimate knowledge of what the inside of a high school locker looks like.
(CSZ + SH)
9. Pat Yasinskas - NFC South blogger eh? Seems more like yet another trap “Pat” or Skeletor is setting for his arch-nemesis He-Man.
(SH)
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10. Bill Williamson - We can’t confirm this but sources indicate that Williamson ate the previous AFC West blogger. Also bears a slight resemblance to the Cookie Monster – which can be an actual plus.
(CSZ + LR)
11. John Clayton - Member of not just the NFL Hall of Fame but the Alien Head Hall of Fame (other notables include former NBA point guard Sam Cassell). Could also pass for the adult version of Stewie Griffin.
(LR)
12. Len Pasquarelli - Besides being a dead ringer for Ma Fratelli from The Goonies, he makes Beano Cook look young. Although we’re ranking Len last, we do want to give him credit for ranking the “Stealers” 9th when everyone else put them first. (LR)
It Wasn't Nice of Len to Keep Sloth Locked Up.
A troubling lack of Steamy Latin Looks on this list. America can only hope Mr. SLL joins the sports media as soon as possible.
[...] Williamson – ESPN’s 10th ranked writer based on looks (as prepared by reputable political website SoD) – recently offered his argument in ESPN.com’s “Double Coverage” that [...]