Editors Note: “Random Running Diary” is a recurring post which aims to give you a running commentary on events which would otherwise not qualify for a running diary.
Tonight’s affair: 4th and Long with Michael Irvin, the Series Finale. (Editors Note: in case you missed it the diary of the series premiere is here.)
Premise: Michael Irvin is given a mission by Jerry Jones to find him a “ball player” to make the Cowboys 80 man roster . . . oh and make a spectacularly bad reality show. The odds Jones keeps the winner around camp for a while to get press are high, but the odds of him making the roster? About the same as Dr. Greenbaumberg’s odds. The expectations for Epic Failure are nearly off the charts and so far this show has been solid Failure.
Because Hard Knocks wasn't embarassing enough for the Cowboys.
We open with a highlight package, showing Irvin’s search to find Jerry Jones a ball player. He is looking to find a diamond in the rough, for a player whose career ended on terms other than his own. We started this journey with 6 DB’s and 6 WR’s and we are down to 4, 2 DBs and 2 WRs. Nice montage of hightlights so far, including an awful lot of puking and weak trash talk. The remaining players are:
- Jesse Holley, WR, we just learned for the first time that he got cut from the Bengals practice squad, way to hold out on us Spike TV;
- Andrew Hawkins, WR, his dad and brother played in the NFL but he is only 5’7” so something is telling me that the family traditon ends here;
- Eddie Moten, DB, a former Arena League “star”; and
- Ahmad Smith, DB, who slipped and fell getting out of the tub the night before his pro-day and tore his MCL.
Great last voice over line about finding out “who will outshine all the others and take his place among the stars.” Just like Shakespeare, you know without actually being good. Seriously, who wrote that voice over of Mark Linn-Baker?
Today, the remaining players get to practice at Valley Ranch. Something tells me none of these guys will make it back here as player, ever. At most the winner gets a week or two at training camp and the Cowboys get some cheap press before cutting the winner unceremoniously. The PR Director shows the players a model of the new stadium. I am sure he can get them all reasonably priced tickets in the upper deck because that is about as close as they are gonna get to playing in the new Texas Stadium. Next they head to the locker room, this is just cruel. What is next? Do they go to Somalia and eat one bite from a sandwich in front of starving kid and then throw it away? That is basically what Spike is doing by teasing these poor saps.
Hide the scissors.
Final Practice. Bill Bates welcomes them to the final practice, he gives them a few inspirational words before introducing Irvin. Interestingly, I believe he has worn the same outfit in every episode; apparently being the “Playmaker” does not leave time in the schedule for laundry. After practice, they are going to have a “big game,” a mock game with face players filling in the other 19 spots on the teams; after the game one player gets cut. Practice starts with a gunner drill, the DB’s look bad. Joe Avazano is mildly entertaining, like that Uncle who drinks to much at a family reunion and tells everyone that he would totally plow your mom. When practice ends Irvin tells them to walk slowly and to think that one day they could call Valley Ranch home. Ha, the only way that is happening is if one of these guys gets hired to run errands for a player.
Back at the Cotton Bowl. Irvin changed clothes? Biggest surprise of the series so far. Irvin announces he will spend some time with the WRs and current Cowboy, Terence Newman, will spend sometime with the DBs. I hate Newman. He is possibly the third best player to come out of Kansas State, behind Martin Gramatica and Biscuits. Both Newman and Irvin give them some real tips on what to do at the line of scrimmage. Irvin tells the wideouts that sometimes they have to willing to trade a concussion for a reception. Thanks Mike, Troy Aikman could not agree more . . . or he would if he could remember who you are. Next, Irvin tells everyone at the game tonight “four will play but only three will stay.” I wonder how many hours he spent on that little gem.
Wait, where am I? Who am I?
Big Game. Nice little montage of the players suiting up and talking about giving it their all. I hope they remember to give it their all when they are selling copiers next fall. The game is being announced by what can only be described as the an announcing D team. I have never heard of these guys before but the game does have a sponsor, if not any fans in attendance. The players families are there to cheer them on, nice touch. Nothing is better than watching someone’s dreams die, except watching them die in front of their families.
Irvin is back in his all black ensemble. The team with Holley and Hawkins is coached by Joe Avazano and the team with Motten and Smith is coach by Bill Bates. Gimmick time, there are no fans but they are pumping in crowd music. Very tricky Spike TV, what is next perhaps another tricked used by coaches for the last 20 years? Holley is just embarrassing everybody, the DBs have no answer for him. Hawkins catches the first TD.
For some reason Spike TV decides to show us highlights of plays not involving any of the guys on the show, a bold choice. Watching these WRs take on these DBs is about as even a match up as watching a full grown man punch a child in the face. I am waiting for the producers to invoke the mercy rule. At halftime, Coach Avazano tells the WRs it isn’t how many great plays you make but it is about how few bad plays you make. Ahh, see what he is doing there kids? That is the kind of reasoning that leads you to miss the playoffs.
Second Half. The second half begins with highlights of nameless players including a pick 6 by an unamed player DB on the WRs team. Going into the 4th quarter it is 21-14 WRs thanks to the score by a nameless DB. Jesse Holley abuses both Eddie Motten and a nameless DB at the same time to make his second touchdown grab. Going into the kick off Irvin pulls Ahmad Smith aside and tells him he needs to make a play. A guy trying to win an invitation to an NFL training camp needs to make plays? Who knew? Thanks Captain Obvious! Wow, following Irvin’s Henry V like speech Smith actually responds and causes Hawkins to fumble on the kick of return. I have to admit that is a big play at crucial time. The fumble is returned for a touchdown by a nameless player as time expires for the win. Hmmm, awfully convenient for TV purposes.
After the Game. The players are sitting around nervously in the locker room as Irvin says it is time for the facts to speak for themselves. I am not entirely sure he knows what that actually means. Hawkins had 3 receptions for 51 yards and a TD and Holley had an amazing 7 receptions for 131 yards and 2 touchdowns. Something tells me these two will make it to the last segment of the show. Motten had 1 tackle and 2 passes defended and Smith had 5 tackles and 2 passes defended and stepped it up when Irvin told him. Motten is cut, Irvin tells him the “Cowboys cannot use you. You may play for someone but it won’t be for Dallas.” Quick get this man to the UFL. A tearful Eddie Motten says good bye and goes to meet his family. I almost feel bad for this guy, that is until he says this experience has made him a “better son.” What? That makes so little sense my head hurts.
Final Segment. Irvin, Bates, and Avazano in the “War Room” watching film. They break down each of the players. Avazano boldly pronounces that Holley could be a better WR than some of the back ups the Cowboys have now and that Hawkins could serve more roles than current Cowboys players Sam Herd and Isaiah Stanbeck. That has to be a kick to the crotch for any guy in the NFL, thanks for all your help last year but I think a guy we found on a Spike TV reality show is better player than you are and stay tuned for Pros v Joes: All Stars! Nate Newton tells the final three to pack up to head to the Cowboy’s new stadium. I have to say I was very disappointed Newton didn’t have a larger role in this show. Seriously, would it have been so bad to have one challenge be a contest to eat more than Nate or to see if one player could fit more weed in a van than Nate?
All the players go to the new stadium where they are introduced to Jerry Jones. Irvin tells them that the stadium will be the home to the most visible professional sports team in the world. Really Mike? Are the even the most recognizable sports team in the U.S.? What about the Lakers, the Yankees or Phoenix Mercury? As for the world, according to the 2009 list of most valuable sports franchises in the world Manchester Untied is number one by 200 million dollars. But I guess years of cocaine abuse and sex toy addiction can play with your mind.
What was that Mike said about concussions?
Winner. Irvin tells the final three they can all be the ball player he set out to find, he knows none of them will do anything to embarrass the Cowboys. Oh the irony in Irvin saying that is rich and compelling. In a very anticlimactic scene Irvin tells Jesse Holley the Cowboys can use him and gives him a number 16 jersey with his name on it. Congratulations Jesse Holley, you won and come September that jersey will be just like any other custom jersey ordered on NFL.com, it will not have the name of any player on the Cowboys 53 man roster.
[...] proposition for opposing defenses. And as if that was not enough they will be able to count on the services of “real ball player” Jesse Holley, everyone knows that the best players don’t come from the draft but from reality shows on [...]